I had no idea I would fall so hard. I am bubbling over, giddy, with happiness.
Honestly, I had forgotten how cotton-pickin' scary giving your heart away can be. I feel stripped naked, exposed, and totally vulnerable.....and it scares me. Yet, I know life is meant to be lived. Chance can be worth it. And sitting protected, in a safe cocoon, will not enhance my happiness now, nor in the future.
And so I bare my heart, my stories, and my emotions, to wave in the winds of change and chance.
Sometimes a stronger force can catch you as you fall, and carry you away to unthinkable dreams.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The Spring of Something Beautiful
The new friendship I mentioned in my prior post has blossomed in ways I only could have dreamed. (Someone please pinch me!) How could I ever have been so blessed (again!) by someone that I feel so comfortable with?
The 'facade' has melted. Each moment we spend together I find out a new nugget, a new story, a new twist that intrigues me even more. We are trying to take it slow, not jump in too fast, and to just enjoy each day. After all, what's the rush?
But there was one special moment not so long ago that I will never forget: he told me he loved me. LOVED me! When I close my eyes, I still see exactly how he looked at me and it makes my stomach swim. Oh my goodness! My heart sang and my spirit soared to incredible heights....
He has the ability to make me feel sixteen again!
He is so good to me. He wants me to be happy! (Amazing!) And I the same for him. I want to find ways to spoil him, if he will let me, because he most certainly spoils me! I want to be his very best friend. That is what we are working towards. Because that is what makes things last with indelible beauty.
Life has not always been kind to either of us, no matter how hard we tried to make fairy tale endings. But life continues to present another chance for us.
We have time.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy New Year, New Beginnings
Ironically and quite marvelously, I have found a new 'friend.' Not by accident or chance, he has come by way of introduction.
He's almost too perfect in some ways. Driven. Fit. Funny. Successful.
Some of it scares me.
A lot.
We've only been out a handful of times, to date. But my mind can't stop thinking of dates to come. Shared moments filled with emotions I haven't felt in a long, long time. It scares me to think that way, yet I know I have to freely put my true self out there, on the line, vulnerable. It is only by vulnerability that can I expect the same.
And therein lies my hesitation. He has been perfect in perfecting the facade, the personality, the shell. He's worked hard at it for for many years, perhaps his life (?) yet I can feel the shield, the barrier that he hides behind. Was it created by design or though anguish? I don't know. I just hope I have the softness of spirit, the kindness of soul to melt down through it and find the man that hides inside.
He's almost too perfect in some ways. Driven. Fit. Funny. Successful.
Some of it scares me.
A lot.
We've only been out a handful of times, to date. But my mind can't stop thinking of dates to come. Shared moments filled with emotions I haven't felt in a long, long time. It scares me to think that way, yet I know I have to freely put my true self out there, on the line, vulnerable. It is only by vulnerability that can I expect the same.
And therein lies my hesitation. He has been perfect in perfecting the facade, the personality, the shell. He's worked hard at it for for many years, perhaps his life (?) yet I can feel the shield, the barrier that he hides behind. Was it created by design or though anguish? I don't know. I just hope I have the softness of spirit, the kindness of soul to melt down through it and find the man that hides inside.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Does He Exist, Again?
It has been two years, four months, and thirteen days since I lost my husband, Doug. I had thought things would be very different now. In some ways, yes, but mostly not.
I have tried to start back into the dating scene. Wow--what a trip THAT has been! I had been warned of the plethora of single, lonely people that take part in dating websites, but I have come away with my own list of....well....different guys. Many of these meetings have been one-time coffee stops, or the occasional dinner:
A sweet guy who was shorter in person than he proclaimed in his profile. While I enjoyed his smiling eyes, I had a hard time looking down at him as we talked. I am ashamed that it was such a turnoff, but I couldn't get past it. The topper was his little, tiny feet encased in the tiniest of black tennis shoes that I believe had velcro closures!
I met the surgeon who not only almost cut off his hand with a chainsaw, while on a ladder twenty feet up in a tree, he also rolled a fully loaded horse trailer on icy roads, going seventy miles per hour. He had flippantly laughed at both as if everything could be fixed in a surgical suite. I had listened patiently, internally shaking my head at his lack of common sense.
I met the handsome divorced farmer from too far away, living in the tiniest of tiny towns in North Dakota. However, it wasn't the town he 'said' he was from on his online dating profile. While some of it appealed to me, the remoteness would have had me in a room with padded wallpaper in no time! Some gal in North Dakota will be lucky--but not me.
I met the nice looking Merchant Marine who lived in Minnesota for four weeks, then would be in Alaska for three months at a time. He was nearly done building his 'dream home' near a reservation. Mom lived on an adjoining lot (he proudly proclaimed) and believed in plastic surgery. LOTS of plastic surgery. Merchant Marine thought that was the cats pajamas, as you never needed to looked aged! (I kept wondering if he was looking at my sagging jowls over dinner.) As if that wasn't enough, he openly boasted that he had taken 'the champagne flight' on his way over to dinner. So not cool!
Next came the successful lawyer. Very stately. A bit older. Gentlemanly. Perhaps 'stiff' would be a closer description. Very nice, well spoke. Loved his dogs. (That's a 'point' to the good, in my opinion.) He kept saying he was 'patient' when it came to dating. (Another point.) Never said a word wrong. Never even held my hand. Then after our third 'date' he went home and gushed on eMail about how he already is feeling like I might be 'the one.'
Oh joy! (Not!)
Most currently I dated my first widower. His wife passed not even six months before we 'met' online. A wonderful, sweet, extremely lonely man. A gentle man. A creative man. A former business-owner, he had sold the business to stay with his wife for the two years before she passed. He was a homemaker and loved to cook and bake. His life was his kids and grandkids. He couldn't wait to tell his mom he had a girlfriend. I quickly became his whole world, apparently, and the "I Love You's" started. I just couldn't get there. He introduced me to his kids and some of the grandkids. I kept feeling so sorry for his grown kids, as I could only imagine (realize?) that they still mourned their lovely mother and here dad was, bringing someone new home. Also, he bragged that he hadn't owned a suit in twenty years, yet owned eighty, yes E-I-G-H-T-Y (!!!) t-shirts! I just couldn't become his everything.
I keep busy enough and tired enough during the week that I don't feel as lost in society. But the weekends come and I sit in front of a TV each night with my dogs, wishing I were sharing my time, laughing with, and conspiring with a soul mate. But how do you find that one that makes your heart flip at the sound of his voice? Who's smile melts down all your walls, and makes you unafraid to move forward into new tomorrows.
What am I looking for in my soul mate? Well, I have a mental image of Mr. Forever:
Tallish. (Sorry I can be opinionated in my own wish-list!) Great, smiling eyes and teeth that are not too tangled. Great hair. When I say that, it can be gray--I don't have a problem with that. But I would prefer hair. (Just watch--some guy with a bald head will end up enchanting me!) Someone who feels as comfortable dressed in formal attire as he is a great fitting pair of worn jeans. A person passionate about his own successful career, as well as life in general. Someone that garners respect of his peers.
Lastly, and perhaps most important, are a quick, quirky mind (intelligent), a quicker sense of humor and smile, a kind heart, an animal lover, an outdoorsman, and a hug that makes you want to stay there forever.
Of course I bring my own laundry list of problems and baggage to a new relationship. I am a work in progress (as is he!) and have to work on myself each and every day.
Is there such a person out there? I have absolutely NO idea! He may only exist in my dreams. But I hope that someday my weekends are full---perhaps even my week nights! I want someone to hold my hand as well as my heart, encourage my dreams, and spoil me just a little. I want someone who brings me roses.
Lastly, it has taken me each of these last two years, four months and thirteen days to figure out that I am not leaving Doug behind. That has been a HUGE hurdle--realizing he would want me to go on. He even told me that before he died. It has taken me that long to realize that in moving on, he forever comes with me.
I have tried to start back into the dating scene. Wow--what a trip THAT has been! I had been warned of the plethora of single, lonely people that take part in dating websites, but I have come away with my own list of....well....different guys. Many of these meetings have been one-time coffee stops, or the occasional dinner:
A sweet guy who was shorter in person than he proclaimed in his profile. While I enjoyed his smiling eyes, I had a hard time looking down at him as we talked. I am ashamed that it was such a turnoff, but I couldn't get past it. The topper was his little, tiny feet encased in the tiniest of black tennis shoes that I believe had velcro closures!
I met the surgeon who not only almost cut off his hand with a chainsaw, while on a ladder twenty feet up in a tree, he also rolled a fully loaded horse trailer on icy roads, going seventy miles per hour. He had flippantly laughed at both as if everything could be fixed in a surgical suite. I had listened patiently, internally shaking my head at his lack of common sense.
I met the handsome divorced farmer from too far away, living in the tiniest of tiny towns in North Dakota. However, it wasn't the town he 'said' he was from on his online dating profile. While some of it appealed to me, the remoteness would have had me in a room with padded wallpaper in no time! Some gal in North Dakota will be lucky--but not me.
I met the nice looking Merchant Marine who lived in Minnesota for four weeks, then would be in Alaska for three months at a time. He was nearly done building his 'dream home' near a reservation. Mom lived on an adjoining lot (he proudly proclaimed) and believed in plastic surgery. LOTS of plastic surgery. Merchant Marine thought that was the cats pajamas, as you never needed to looked aged! (I kept wondering if he was looking at my sagging jowls over dinner.) As if that wasn't enough, he openly boasted that he had taken 'the champagne flight' on his way over to dinner. So not cool!
Next came the successful lawyer. Very stately. A bit older. Gentlemanly. Perhaps 'stiff' would be a closer description. Very nice, well spoke. Loved his dogs. (That's a 'point' to the good, in my opinion.) He kept saying he was 'patient' when it came to dating. (Another point.) Never said a word wrong. Never even held my hand. Then after our third 'date' he went home and gushed on eMail about how he already is feeling like I might be 'the one.'
Oh joy! (Not!)
Most currently I dated my first widower. His wife passed not even six months before we 'met' online. A wonderful, sweet, extremely lonely man. A gentle man. A creative man. A former business-owner, he had sold the business to stay with his wife for the two years before she passed. He was a homemaker and loved to cook and bake. His life was his kids and grandkids. He couldn't wait to tell his mom he had a girlfriend. I quickly became his whole world, apparently, and the "I Love You's" started. I just couldn't get there. He introduced me to his kids and some of the grandkids. I kept feeling so sorry for his grown kids, as I could only imagine (realize?) that they still mourned their lovely mother and here dad was, bringing someone new home. Also, he bragged that he hadn't owned a suit in twenty years, yet owned eighty, yes E-I-G-H-T-Y (!!!) t-shirts! I just couldn't become his everything.
I keep busy enough and tired enough during the week that I don't feel as lost in society. But the weekends come and I sit in front of a TV each night with my dogs, wishing I were sharing my time, laughing with, and conspiring with a soul mate. But how do you find that one that makes your heart flip at the sound of his voice? Who's smile melts down all your walls, and makes you unafraid to move forward into new tomorrows.
What am I looking for in my soul mate? Well, I have a mental image of Mr. Forever:
Tallish. (Sorry I can be opinionated in my own wish-list!) Great, smiling eyes and teeth that are not too tangled. Great hair. When I say that, it can be gray--I don't have a problem with that. But I would prefer hair. (Just watch--some guy with a bald head will end up enchanting me!) Someone who feels as comfortable dressed in formal attire as he is a great fitting pair of worn jeans. A person passionate about his own successful career, as well as life in general. Someone that garners respect of his peers.
Lastly, and perhaps most important, are a quick, quirky mind (intelligent), a quicker sense of humor and smile, a kind heart, an animal lover, an outdoorsman, and a hug that makes you want to stay there forever.
Of course I bring my own laundry list of problems and baggage to a new relationship. I am a work in progress (as is he!) and have to work on myself each and every day.
Is there such a person out there? I have absolutely NO idea! He may only exist in my dreams. But I hope that someday my weekends are full---perhaps even my week nights! I want someone to hold my hand as well as my heart, encourage my dreams, and spoil me just a little. I want someone who brings me roses.
Lastly, it has taken me each of these last two years, four months and thirteen days to figure out that I am not leaving Doug behind. That has been a HUGE hurdle--realizing he would want me to go on. He even told me that before he died. It has taken me that long to realize that in moving on, he forever comes with me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)